I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
