So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
