He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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