my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
