I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
