Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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