dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
