peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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