the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
