i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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