I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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