You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
