Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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