He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
