I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
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