Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This is not my ceiling
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
