the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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