i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
