I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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