Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
