Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
