I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
