I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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