the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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