when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
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