Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
