Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
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I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
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We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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