Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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