Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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