Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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