I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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