At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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