just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
