If that was your dad, he is hot
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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