no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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