I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
