Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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