dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
