FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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