Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
