You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
