Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
