He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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