My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
