I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
