Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
