Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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