I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
