Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
