Got a toothbrush?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
