when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
