A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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