so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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