I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
