If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
