i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
