dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
